jueves, 5 de enero de 2017

In my place at 01:53

    In my place-Coldplay

Yes, this is a different way to use a blog, to freely write anything you have in your mind. And I say freely because although anyone could see this blog, the reality is nobody does.
And at the same time, the moment I hit the button to publish I know maybe one out those 7,000 million people in the planet could randomly reach my writing. It`s a kind of exhibitionism.
But I feel it in a different way, an interconnection with possible perfect strangers. And perfect strangers are what I sometimes need. They would not judge me so easy, they would not expect anything from me, they may laugh at my old jokes, they may be interested and even accept me by the way I am, not by my age or genre, no by my career, my position, my family situation, even my country, my religion or my polítical views.
And here I am in a spanish blog writing in english, just because I feel this way.
Sometimes I write in english because I miss it. From those years I lived there in England.
A time with extreme sensations.
In the beginning when I just arrived to Scotland, I felt like I could conquer the world, I was so young, so strong, so determined. I wanted to become a Paediatician.
What I couldn't suspect is that quite soon I was going to become father myself. And that was one of my extreme feelings, actually the most extreme. I was pushing myself quite hard and clenched my fists when the head appear and the full baby came out, it took ten seconds for the baby to start crying.
After hours waiting and suffering with the mum's pains, it took no more of a minute to be born.
I never have felt anything like that emotion, that absolute happiness, the incredible relief to confirm the baby was right. And on top of that, because we never wanted to know the sex of the fetus, also the surprise to know finally it was a baby boy.
I enjoyed him so much until he was four.
Sometimes you make big mistakes in life, and the bigger the mistakes, the bigger the lesson.
From that moment I had to separate from him to only see him from time to time.
This was my other extreme feeling, the one of utter loss.

    The man who told everything-Doves

 Tonight was on of those nights where you really can't go to bed. Tomorrow you will be tired, but you know you need to get things out of your chest. While you are awake, because the dreams will always 
distort your memories.
And one of my strongest memories is about a woman, a girl, a supergirl.
Would it make any difference to say she was beautiful? 
Well she was indeed. But what attracted me most of her was that she didn't seem out of this world.
With very different origin and culture than mine, that was at the same time a difficulty but also a challenging world to explore.
But at some point, exploring her inside, I discovered things that herself had been trying to forget all her life. But I didn't crack, that would be another challenge to overcome, with my energy, my love, my empathy...
But not everything in life has a solution, you learn that well when you grow up (get older), and then one day life spits on your face.
And I will never forget that morning at work, when I saw the police coming to my office and told me those news, I had to leave my post por a while, I could not cry there...
Later I had to leave my job and leave that city.
But no matter where I go, where I live, that feeling of instant loneliness, the heartbreaking pain, and the guilt (could I have done anything?) will haunt me from time to time.


 And finally I would like to talk about the world, the human being, the misery.
Writing in english gives me the stupid sensation that I may find more people interested in the future of humanity. In fact in Spain there is a good amount of people managing acceptably english. Also in Spain there are lots of people isolated or connected in groups that care about social and economic equality, the Human Rights, the animal right, and the respect to the earth. But the problem is that what dominates is the people that don't care, the ones that prefer to close their eyes, build a barrier, sometimes even physical, or forget their consciences by consuming like fools or chaining their brains to television.
Even good friends of mine, I feel that I cannot talk about anything related to poverty, social inequality, injustice, refugees, wars, childhood slavery or famine. No, they don't want to know.
All out of selfishness. I don't think people are mean. Simply they want to believe there's nothing they can do abou it, and prefer no to know about it because it upsets them. The typical answer/excuse.
They don't realise that you don't need to move mountains to help. Sometimes small actions in our neighbourhood or town can be of great help for someone in need.
Of course I'm frustrated because I was in organisations and groups for social fight and we never had any succes. We needed the society well aware and concious of the reality of deprivation and misery of thousands of families in our towns and villages, but they don't want know.
At the moment I try to help whoever I can or colaborate with some NGO.
But to make a big chance in society now, to kill poverty and inequality, is at the moment impossible.

    Misery- Soul Asylum