Fuck you all, well, just don't be on my way (collection of bright ideas followed by my own most sincere thoughts about life)

 

Fuck you all, every single one of you.

Why should I love Humanity?

Love should be reciprocal.

People, the World, the Universe, Life itself, they all hate me.

So I have no other option than hate them all back and, instead, loving just myself.

Some nights I dream that somebody loves me,

there's no risk, no harm,

dreams just fade away in a matter of seconds, minutes or hours since you wake up.

Recently I noticed that even my two dear sons don't hate me but instead they despise me, which is much worst,

Mainly the smaller one has recently discover that his beloved "Captain Fantastic" is nothing but shit, and exactly in that way he treats me, there's no respect, no empathy, no interest...

Since he was in his mom's womb, I dreamt of offering all myself to him. All of what my own father never gave me. Curiosity, generosity, sensitivity and sensibility, the pleasure of reading and reasoning, the bravery to confront his fears, the confidence to believe in his dreams, the assurance that being more or less beautiful, having born from a such intelligents mother and father, he should no doubt at all about his brain power. And in the same way, being born from two families of good people, he should be able to love and be loved with a huge heart. 

Cutting it short, I alway wished to transfer to him the eagerness to live, the hunger for life.

But in my solitude, I have had plenty of time to think and analyze things.

I have always have the curiosity, sometimes obsession to know the reason of things, the hidden answers, whatever most of people don't ask themselves.

And I think there have been two main reasons for my failure on breeding my two kids, mainly the smaller.

First. It cannot ever be so easy to offer what you were never given. And I wasn't given lots of the pearls that I dreamt to offer to my children.

Second. Both my kids have lived my depressions. The minor one has lived two very deep major depressions. He has been there in front of a father with no interest for life, with deep sadness and self blame, with a slow and incoherent brain, full of fears and with no love to spare, something that happens when you don't love yourself at all.

Just all the opposite to all I wanted to teach him. And those depression weren't a things of few weeks, they went on for month and months. The second one went on for almost three years... 

And you can overcome the idea that you have lost such marvellous women, such marvellous loves, such marvellous friends. But it's completely impossible to overcome the idea that you may have lost your kids, your own blood, cause you will never find a replacement for them.

Nonetheless, in my time of solitude I have transformed into a much harder person, I don't cry so often. I feel sad almost every night when I'm going to sleep, thinking of my son, or thinking of the last lover that disappeared from my life.

But on one side I have learned to appreciate the company and tenderness of my two cats. No questions asked. Food, water, warmth and caresses, they don't ask for more. No conflicts. Just company, respect and tenderness.

In the other side I have sworn that nothing, absolutely nothing, is gonna affect me again to the point of dragging me into another depression. Not even my kids...

And finally I have embraced the certainty that being alone is the best way to be.

Nobody can say goodbye.